THE FUTURIST! is very interested in the mysterious, the odd, the unexplained and a really good bowl of chicken broth with Orzo pasta. Aiding him in his quest in searching out the bizarre is, of course, haiku, but there is, also, a young man in Ypsilanti, Michigan named Dr. Steven Seussonoras, young Great Lakes genius and noted Indie Bandologist. Seussonoras is the owner, founder and main inventor of Seussonoras Labs. He and his technical crew are constantly creating new inventions of fascinating proportions. These innovations in science and science fiction hope to advance man’s ease in living and pleasure. Most of his inventions have no patent; there are all in a pending mode or have been completely rejected by the government. Oft times, The Doctor must sell to foreign agencies which have made him the target of U.S. Government harassment and phone tapping. This has put a crimp in his calls to male escort services. The government operatives listening in are doing more heavy breathing than the good Doctor.
Seussonoras Labs have provided THE FUTURIST! with many inventions and time saving devices. There has been The Toaster Glove Compartment, The Bed Spread Self-Spreader, The Bird Bath Whirlpool, The Doppelganger Radar Detector and many more. Recently, THE FUTURIST! received the product (shown above) from Dr. Seussonoras. THE FUTURIST! was baffled as to what it was and why he had received it. He immediately asked haiku if he had ordered it. haiku related he only orders from the Criterion Collection online and from not mad scientists in Michigan. So, immediately a letter was sent to Seussonoras Labs :
Dearest Doctor …hakiu recently unwrapped an odd instrument of sorts sent to THE FUTURIST!’s address. It resembles a ray gun, hand-held heating coil or medieval bug zapper. What is this? (photo enclosed) Please respond.
THE FUTURIST!
then this response came by text message from Dr. Seussonoras:
“TO THE FUTURIST!
Object sent was in error! That device was actually included in the original run of the Sex Closet back in ‘92. It turned out that my minions forgot to put instructions in the package and consumers ended up sawing their genitalia off accidentally. I also forgot to place instructions in your package. DEAR GOD! DON’T USE IT! AS always, you are a bright beacon of truth in a dark tunnel of horrible lies, Futurist! I will have to speak to my PR team about this debacle.
Love, Dr. S. Seussonoras
then back to The Doctor:
“Doctor, thank you for the warning. The device went no where near any genitalia. We were baffled by its use … but, once switched on, we heard a whirring noise and experimented. It proved to cut roasted pork loin magnificently and even mixed a pitcher of martinis. However, our lovely neighbor Miss Angela Deppler, 2nd grade teacher and 1st class vixen, asked to borrow it for a wedding shower party this Friday. We assumed she’d use it as a mixer, but … oh … do you think she may think its a “stimulating” mechanism for frisky naughty girl activities, which occur at these events?
THE FUTURIST!
Then from the Doctor:
“My lawyers have been contacted in case this minx that lives next door to you sues for damages. Hopefully, it was just used for Bloody Marys and mixing Cosmos … possibly a tasty chip dip. Personally, WE prefer Paul Newman Salsa here at The Labs for our chips. Hope all is well.”
Wearing no pants, Dr. S. Seussonoras
Luckily no one was hurt. Another mystery solved!!
Dedicated to Sam Stecklow
from THE FUTURIST!
SATURDAY MUSIC THAT IS APPROPRIATE FOR A JAMES BOND OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE
The Saturday Music selection above is one that THE FUTURIST! can watch over and over again. It’s not just the pleasantly mind catching melody, but it is, also, the tune married to the marvelously engineered visuals.
THE FUTURIST! loves how the song is used in a sham cinematic opening credit sequence for a film. It is never stated in the video that this is a James Bond film, but it is oh so certified by the luscious 2:35 screen ratio, the faux Maurice Binder gyrating female silhouettes and slow motion candy colored smoke and orgasmic explosions. It has the iconic Goldfinger styled projections of the singers onto the erotically charged posed figures of curvaceous women (and in this version, even men are glimpsed later on and a credited Fluffer. Ye Gods!).
THE FUTURIST! just loves James Bond motion pictures. He was brought up on them by his male parent. He can recall sitting in the theater straining his small head (due to his stature) to see the very adult adventures played out on the mammoth screen. They were his introduction to sexuality on screen. They were everything to him … comic book-like, yet scary in their violence and danger for a young boy, full of taboo talk and acts that he dared not discuss with any adult … they provided such excitement for all his senses and wonderful loud pulsating brassy music and an epic sense of a world he would never ever encounter in real life.
He remembers leaving the local cinema with his Father asking: “Did you like that?” Words could barely tumble from his mouth to express his joy. Perhaps, his love of movies came from James Bond and that is why he will watch them over and over again. They are certainly silly and as an adult THE FUTURIST! can see the degrees of “badness” some of the entries have lowered themselves to … and they do not instill the same thrilling shot of hormonal harbingers in his body, but they make him remember that excitement and … that is a good thing to relive in trying times.
This video represents to THE FUTURIST! the best thing about those films after the audience sees the dry opening wherein a calamity would befall Great Britain or the world itself … or Bond would be confronted with death, dressed impeccably and then escape in a wild outlandish bit of business. Then came the title sequence aurally embracing you with the theme song and surreal images. THE FUTURIST! thinks this homage to those Bond openings is better than many he has seen in recent years. In fact, it’s a pity it isn’t the real thing.
LAND OF A THOUSAND WORDS performed by Scissor Sisters
From the General Motors Futurama Exhibit, 1940. Featured in the Harry Ransom Center’s upcoming “I Have Seen the Future: Norman Bel Geddes Designs America” exhibit.
REALLY!? Well it stinks. - THE FUTURIST!
This Scene from James Cameron’s ALIENS (1986) Sums Up THE FUTURIST!’s Day.
FRIDAY’S MOVIE FRAME OF MIND
THE PRODUCERS (1968) - dir: Mel Brooks
This was part of THE FUTURIST!’s eye test.
He could see it perfectly.
A young Kyrgyzstani boy apprentices for his father who practices the ancient tradition of ”berkutchy,” or eagle hunting. This enormous Golden Eagle has a wingspan bigger than his trainer and is one of the most powerful predators in the world, known to bring down foxes, goats, and small deer.
AND … young boys (adds THE FUTURIST!) Good Pagan Gods! Scary!
THE FUTURIST! found this video some time ago and had posted it on his previous blog back in 2007.
The video was shot at the now defunct BORDERS Bookstore in Ann Arbor, MI. Director Wes Anderson was there, with actor Jason Schwartzman, to publicize his film The Darjeeling Limited with a question and answer session and then a signing of the film’s soundtrack on cd.
Before, or after, their appearance in front of the retail public, Mr. Anderson and Mr. Schwartzman chronicled their browsing through the cd and dvd section of the store. I’m sure most of their recommendations are quite serious, but, at times, there seems to be a dry dead pan edge to their comments.
Special shout out to The Criterion Collection.
HARRY - In Bruges (2008)
Ralph Fiennes facially approximates THE FUTURIST!’s countenance each morning.
(via summerof42)
