Dear Nicholas Hoult’s Agent:

It is true that rumors have been rampant regarding a supposed soon to be filmed THE FUTURIST!: THE MOVIE!. These hushed murmurs can, also, be heard concerning a supposed theatrical production of THE FUTURIST!: THE MUSICAL! at an Off-Off-Off-Broadway venue with high hopes of an eventual move to a Off-Off-Broadway house.

These rumors have obviously led your offices to send on these photo-set glossies of your client in full THE FUTURIST! attire and displaying varied actor-ly emotional reactions. 

We are aware of Mr. Hoult’s wide acting range playing a sex starved teen on SKINS, a sex starved homosexual young man in A SINGLE MAN and a nerdy sex starved young man who turns into an even more sex starved blue furred beast in X-MAN: FIRST CLASS. His talents are duly noted.

However, Mr. Hoult may have the bow tie, collared shirt and houndstooth sport coat down right, but unfortunately, not one of the expressions above are ever used by THE FUTURIST!. Well, perhaps … one. THE FUTURIST! actually looked like the center shot when he first saw this photo-set.

THE FUTURIST! appreciates your interest in the role and will consider it in due course. Please send photos of Mr. Hoult crying, lying prone with pained expression and holding his head in his heads.

Cordially Yours,

haiku

THE FUTURIST!’s aide de camp and an Asian of Unknown Origin

_______________________________________________

(via utterlywretched)

THE FUTURIST!’s BEAUTIFUL LAUNDERETTE

THE FUTURIST!’s former aide de camp haiku (a taciturn young man of unknown Asian origins) produced the above photograph. haiku has gone to Brooklyn, NY and is attending Film classes at an esteemed university. While immersed in his studies he has taken up photography. The above picture was taken by haiku for a photography class assignment. He ensconced himself inside a washing machine at The Utter Despair Beautiful Launderette and took a very avant garde snap of THE FUTURIST! as he walked out of the aforementioned establishment. This is a rare glimpse of THE FUTURIST!. Please respect it and keep it close to your heart. THE FUTURIST! is always willing and happy to assist friends in their educational pursuits.

haiku barely escaped with his equilibrium intact and his camera before a customer turned the machine on. Needless to say, the patron was shocked to see a courteous young man emerge from an appliance. haiku returned home after he discarded the dirty whites that had been tossed on him while he was inside the machine.

• Fleming Clamdish poses in a very laconic manner with his house warming gift, which he has no idea where to place

___________________________________________________________

Fleming Clamdish just got a new apartment in Utter Despair.

It is extremely tiny.

The ironing board, which springs from a door in the wall, doubles as his bed. He can make breakfast and make his bed at the same time, by merely turning to the right or left. He doubles his bed sheets as a kitchen table cloth. The clothes closet fits two shirts, a coat and one pair of shoes and his Scrabble board game (the junior edition); it resembles a High School locker. Watching television is awkward. There is room for only one chair in the living room; a blue love seat.

THE FUTURIST! found it very odd sitting so close to Fleming Clamdish on that tight chair watching MY BEAUTIFUL LAUNDERETTE.  Fleming Clamdish is a big Stephen Frears fan.

THE FUTURIST! asked haiku (his former aide de camp) what would be an appropriate house warming gift. haiku replied, “Don’t you mean an appropriate casket warming gift?” haiku can be a smart ass. THE FUTURIST! decided on a food processor which he purchased at Bed Bath & Beyond. Fleming Clamdish accepted it with a small smile and in a taciturn manner. He kept it in his hands through the entire visit and was still holding it after THE FUTURIST! left. Fleming Clamdish said, “Oh, I will eventually find a place for … it.”

haiku left after the presentation of the gift. He said, “My presence here is not needed anymore … plus, my oxygen canister is running low, I need to go out and get some real air.” He wore a gas mask to the house warming party.  As stated, he can be a smart ass.

THE FUTURIST! must hold back his tears remembering a Thanksgiving many years ago when he was inadvertedly left behind on a cold windy cloudy November day on the NJ Shore by his Aunt Abigail. THE FUTURIST!’s parents had gone to Aunt Abigail’s beach front home for the Thanksgiving holiday. After claiming to not have an adequate white wine for the repast, THE FUTURIST!’s parents allowed Aunt Abigail to take THE BABY FUTURIST! for a stroll on the desolate beach on her way to the local liquor emporium.

How did this happen? A baby left alone in the sand?

Well,  it appears that Aunt Abigail, on her way back from her leisurely walk with THE BABY FUTURIST! to the Billy Buddweiser Liquor Store for the holiday libations, became a bit infatuated with her purchases and partook of a 6 pack of an inferior beer and a bottle of Riesling. She then, while mumbling something about a husband of dubious birth, decided to take a cold dip in the sea and never came back. THE FUTURIST!’s first encounter with a Thanksgiving fowl was not with a turkey … it was a large tern or seagull who pecked at him for minutes on end until the Shore Patrol found him. To this day, THE FUTURIST! cannot abide seagulls. Recently, he and haiku stopped at a roadside Fast Food establishment for lunch and ate outside. THE FUTURIST! suffered a panic attack when a large seagull fluttered down to investigate his french fries. On immediate sight of the flying fowl poking into his side dish, he screamed like a woman. haiku moved to another table to finish his chicken wrap and asked for separate checks.

THE FUTURIST!’s aide de camp, haiku, recently took an adult education night course in Hand Shadow Illusions. He learned how to create the expected light and shadow depictions of a duck head, rabbits, a crocodile, a man with a cigar, various birds and Abraham Lincoln (before and after assassination) merely using a screen (or wall), a light source and ten fingers. This was an advanced course and haiku’s teacher was quite innovative, as you can see in the above photo. THE FUTURIST! was quite impressed, but, also, very distressed to see this on the wall of his living room when he entered his abode after a trying day. After the initial shock and the subsequent cleaning up of the broken glass and floor mopping from the smashed bottle of vermouth that he had purchased, THE FUTURIST! congratulated haiku on his graduation from the night course and the amazing dexterity of his digits. haiku does have thin fingers.

• (pictured above) The prepubescent haiku using his homemade giant lizard shrink gun with the faith and assurance of a young optimistic mind that knows nothing of the real horrors ahead in the adult world.

_____________________________________________

THE FUTURIST! asked haiku (his former aide de camp) to compile his favorite scary movies for the SHOCKtober blog series.  It seems haiku does not watch many scary movies and, at first, made a roster of fright films that included Steve Martin’s Pink Panther reboot and Howard the Duck, but THE FUTURIST! tossed that list in the trash bin and told him it was to be actual SCARY movies … with zombie killers, vampires, ghosts and such.

It seems haiku was an avid monster fan as a child. In the photo above, he can be seen making believe he is battling Gamera, Ghidorah or Godzilla in his backyard. haiku loved those monster movies and constructed a monster lizard shrink reducer gun out of a shoe box, some old Polaroid camera parts, a car radio antennae, and a mayonnaise jar lid. Tragedy struck, however, after his friend Bing convinced haiku that his sister’s pet chameleon was a successfully shrunken mutant radioactively (once large) lizard monster. haiku, afraid that the reducer ray effects would soon wear out and that the lizard would again reach gargantuan size and destroy parts of the Tri-State area with fiery breath blasts, flushed Bing’s sister’s lizard down the toilet. This caused emotional distress on the part of Bing’s sister which caused parents in both families to scold haiku and punish him. The worst part was, however, that haiku had harbored a secret crush on Bing’s sister and she never spoke to him again.  This resulted in huge psychological trauma in haiku and he can’t watch any Tokyo Monster Stomper movies anymore without weeping.  Bing’s sister is now a stripper known as Cammy Meleon. Small moments of young trauma have such rippling effects later in life. * sigh *

_____________________________________________

And now:

haiku’s Top 5 Scary Movies for SHOCKtober!

(no giant lizard monster movies included)

1. Psycho (1960) - Not only my favorite horror film, but one of my all-time favorite films. Gets better with every viewing.

2. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931) - Amazing direction and camera work. Not to mention a deliciously lusty Hyde played by Frederic March.

3. The Shining (1980) - Probably the only film on my list that’s genuinely scary, though only at parts — I don’t have a high tolerance for fright.

4. Carrie (1976) - Not really scary, but a whole lot of fun. The last 20 min. are especially great.

5. Invasion of the Body Snatchers - (1978) This scared me so bad as a child that I couldn’t sleep for two days after seeing it. Not so scary the second timearound as an adult, but still a good movie.

Thank you, haiku.

P.S. (TF! loves your tiny child red bow tie)

Cordially Yours,

THE FUTURIST!